SPOILER ALERT: Christmas is a holiday based around two fictional characters.
Yes, as my slightly offensive joke would indicate, I am not a fan of the festive season.
People often tell me my inner-grinch is unbecomingand it makes them sad I am unable to enjoy Christmas.
I tell them they need to get over it because Christmas is an absolute cesspit of a holiday.
1. CHRISTMAS CAROLS
While it is difficult to pinpoint the exact moment I developed utter contempt for Christmas, I can safely say my employment at Woolies during school and university played a massive part.
I am sure anyone who has worked in retail during the festive season would agree that having a constant loop of Christmas carols played over the radio is enough to drive anyone insane.
Once or twice a day would have been barely acceptable, but hearing about Rudolph and his stupid shnoz 545,000 times was just too much.
Even worse than traditional carols were the celebrity Christmas albums — nothing says scraping the bottom of the barrel quite like David Hasselhoff’s The Night Before Christmas.
And then there are the carols by candlelight events, which somehow get broadcast on free-to-air television every year.
Yes, there are people who enjoy watching people sit in a park with candles watching a string of D-grade celebrities and former Australian Idol contestants bust out the worst songs ever written.
2. FORCED PARTICIPATION
I really don’t like Christmas and that should be fine.
However, for some unknown reason people get filled with festive joy and expect everyone to feel the same emotions.
No, I don’t want to help you decorate the office with Christmas decorations.
I can only just tolerate this self-righteous rubbish from people who are always jubilant, but when hypocrites who are miserable 11 out of 12 months of the year tell me to embrace Christmas, my response generally begins with “F” and ends in “off”.
I just don’t see why people need a holiday to justify getting together with their friends and family. Do they not realise there are 364 other days of the year?
And while I do enjoy people who say Christmas Day is the best time of year because you can wake up and drink, I just want to point out you can do this at the races, weddings or whenever you please really.
3. THE CHAOS OF THE SHOPS
Everyday closer to Christmas means more and more people packing into the shopping centres.
While I am tech savvy enough to begrudgingly do my Christmas shopping online, there are times when I need to head to the supermarket for essential groceries.
Usually this isn’t a drama, but it appears this time of year half of Australia is jam-packed into a shopping centre, with many of them losing their minds in some sort of Christmas frenzy.
If it’s not going overboard with Christmas snacks, it’s people stocking up on normal groceries because, you know, the shops are going to be closed for one whole day.
If you add in the tension from people unable to secure a car park, shopping during the festive season is just an accident waiting to happen.
And while not technically Christmas Day, people lining up and racing into the shops on Boxing Day is just absurd.
I really believe the people using those sales to buy festive decorations for Christmas the following year need to take a long hard look at their lives.
4. SOCIAL MEDIA AND TEXT MESSAGES
If I have a close friend or family member wish me Merry Christmas over a message, I can put my loathing of Christmas aside to somewhat appreciate the sentiment.
However, when I receive a text — that was clearly a group message — from someone I haven’t spoken to in more than a decade, it really sh*ts me to tears.
Sure, it’s nice that the person from my year 12 maths class wants to wish people a Merry Christmas, but do they really need to send festive joy to everyone they have ever met?
People need to show some restraint and engage only with people they actually speak to in real life.
Group messages aside, there is also the tumultuous task of having to scroll through your Facebook feed on Christmas Day to see the same post written by 17,000 people.
You want to know something, no one cares about your food coma or how busy your day has been driving around from house to house.
Get over it and stop texting me.
5. CHRISTMAS MOVIES AND TELEVISION
Isn’t it the best watching the same Christmas movies over and over again every year.
Tim Allen might have been funny in The Santa Clause when it was released in 1994, but it’s safe to say after 22 years, it hasn’t stood the test of time.
Television shows with a Christmas special are even worse, with the same format and storyline played out year after year.
The episodes are never good and just feel forced because it’s the thing to do in the festive season.
If studios do insist on making holiday-themed crap every year, I would like to see a film where Ebenezer Scrooge doesn’t change after being visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come — now that’s a happy ending.
6. THE HIGH COST
Yay, it’s Christmas time.
This means I have to fly back to Queensland to spend time with my extended family.
Luckily airlines know people will be flying all over the globe during the silly season and increase their airfares accordingly — nothing like Christmas spirit, right?
Oh and then there is the additional costs I will get from having to buy presents for my friends and family, which they likely only pretend to be enthused about.
While the commercialisation of Christmas is only slightly troubling for me, it can be very depressing for those struggling to make ends meet.
Think how it would feel to not be able to shower your family with gifts and put dinner on the table at the same time.
Or imagine being a person who likes Christmas, yet is forced to not visit home because you can’t afford flights.
While you might take these things for granted, it’s nice to remind yourself of how lonely those less fortunate will become at this time of year — especially when they are reminded of Christmas everywhere they go.
7. DAYS OF OBLIGATION
What many people forget is that Christmas Day is actually a religious event commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ.
So doesn’t it seem strange that those among us with different beliefs still celebrate a religious holiday?
What is even worse than those without beliefs are the people who attend church only once a year on Christmas Eve.
If you are not religious enough to attend any other time of the year, why would you sit through the practice at Christmas — it’s either one or the other.
Just to clarify, I have nothing against people who believe in God and follow religion, but I do have a problem with people who feel they need to go to church once annually, when they clearly aren’t devout Christians any other time of the year.