Being a single parent is hard work, especially if you are trying to be a good parent. I myself did not set out to be a single parent. I had every intention on being married before I had any children, but I put the cart be for the horse and here I am. I love my child to pieces and will do anything for her. Thankfully her father and I have gotten to a place where we get along and can co-parent together. So being that I have a child out of wedlock I may be labeled his “Baby Momma,” however I would have to disagree with that term. To me “Baby Momma” is a derogatory name and is associated with being “ghetto.” I don’t care what Fantansia says, besides look at the source. To the untrained eye there is no difference in being the “Child’s Mother” or the “Baby Momma” and it may be considered a term of endearment. However, there is a very BIG difference and every woman who is a single parent falls into one of these categories. Matter of fact, you put yourself into one of the categories based off how you act, react, and your overall mentality. There are distinct differences in both labels. There is no age discrimination either. You could be 16 or 65 and still be labeled a Baby Momma. I consider myself to be his “Child’s Mother” (or any other term you care to use) who may have displayed Baby Momma tendencies a time or two in the past, but FAR from a baby momma. Let me give you a few scenarios and tell you how each would react. By the end of this blog you’ll know without a shadow of a doubt which category you fall into. Let us begin.
Scenario #1 – Father has a new girlfriend
Child’s Mother: She evaluates her feelings on the situation first. If she is still in love with him and desires to be with him, then there will be some bitterness that ensues. However, she is still cordial to the father and makes the best of the situation. She may share her feelings to him, but knows that cooler heads prevail. She knows that the new chick may not be around for long anyway and no sense in giving this broad a show. On the other hand, if there are no feelings or desires to be back with the father, then she must trust that he has made good judgment in deciding to date this woman and having her around the child (now you did have a baby with him so hopefully YOU made a good decision on who to have a baby with and won’t have to question his judgment). She knows that if she doesn’t give him any problems now then when she gets a new boyfriend he will honor her with the same respect.
Baby Momma: Whether she still has feelings or not she will flip out and loose her mind. She will come to and call your house at inappropriate times of the night. She will try to fight the girlfriend every chance she gets – in the club, on the street, in the store, in church, anywhere. She will scratch up his car and cuss you to filth at every opportunity. She will tell him that he cannot see his kids and increase his child support. Anything to make his life miserable because she is miserable and we all know misery doesn’t like to be alone.
**Disclaimer – if the father is still sleeping with the mother then he is adding more confusion to the situation and likes the drama. Don’t be a pawn in his selfish immature game. Cut him off now**
Scenario #2 – It’s summertime and it’s time to kick it!
Child’s Mother: She is the type of girl who works hard and likes to spend some time out with the friends and enjoy herself, but she does it responsibly. Going out every weekend is not a priority for her. She has a good work/life balance. Her child comes first. When the weekend comes she makes sure she does something with her child because she understand that quality time builds character, confidence and shows the child that they are loved. If the child is away with the father, grandparents, or a friend, then she may choose to step out on the town. She may get loose and let her hair down when she get out, but she tightens it back up when the child comes home.
Baby Momma: She is trying to hit up every club and party from Thursday to Sunday. She never has her kids and will let anybody keep them. She will drop the kids off at 11pm on her way to the club so they’ll be sleep by time they get to whoever house they will be at. She will not leave any money, the diaper bag will not be well stocked, and she probably won’t’ call for two days. You can forget calling her because the phone is going straight to voicemail. When she does show up she is wearing the same outfit she dropped the child off in with no apology and a simple thank you.
Scenario #3 – Income/Employment
Child’s Mother: She is a hardworking mother trying to balance a full time job, church, camp, sports, lessons, going to school, and starting her own business. She only relies on herself and anything else that comes in (i.e. child support) is a bonus. She is working hard now so she won’t have to later. She still makes times for her child and herself, but she knows that she has to make it happen. Failure is not an option and she will succeed and survive.
Baby Momma: Job? What’s that? She looks for others to take care of her. “Others” could be the government, her daddy, child/children’s father or whomever. She may get a job here and there to pacify the onlookers, but they are always short lived and it’s always somebody else’s fault when she gets fired. There is no real drive or motivation to do anything productive with herself. Don’t be surprised if she has another baby for another check.
Scenario #4 – Fighting
Child’s Mother: She doesn’t have time to argue or fight with you. She is too busy raising your child and making her future bright. There may be heated discussions from time to time, but a full on fight is juvenile and a waste of energy. Besides no one hears each other when arguing ensues and nothing is ever resolved and she knows that.
Baby Momma: She lives for the next argument. It’s like she looks for ways to have yet another fight. She will cuss you to filth in front of the kids and push every single one of your buttons to get a rise out of you. She will threaten you and physically attack you, then call the police on YOU. Why does she do this? Lack of maturity and influence from her juvenile friends. She thinks it’s cute and wants something to tell her girls about. Fighting with her, in her twisted mind, makes her believe that you still love her too. Maybe she’s right, but then you can’t call her crazy because clearly you are too.
Scenario #5 – Sacrifice
Child’s Mother: She will forgo buying those new shoes or clothes to have her child looking good. She doesn’t have to have the latest bag or flyest car right now. She knows it’s coming later. She doesn’t nag the father about what he isn’t doing, but rolls with it and picks up the slack, even if that means missing out on that trip to Vegas with her girls. Her sense of responsibility far outweighs what the next person is doing. Sacrificing now will make the reward that much greater later.
Baby Momma: She doesn’t know what that word means. She is going to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do and, and will make it happen for her by hook or crook. The kids are dirty and clothes are old, but she looks good. She has to so she can trap her next victim.
No one is perfect by any means and I’m sure all of us have done some of the above mentioned things in both categories at some point or another, but if you are falling in the “Baby Momma” category more than the other then you may want to do some self evaluations. I’m not judging you, but I want you to take a better look at yourself and see where you can improve. If you are happy where you are, then more power to you. If you want to do better start today and make that change. Ask God for guidance and start doing things differently. There is no time like now to turn over a new leaf. You had those kids and though the situation may not have turned out the way you thought it would you have to play the hand you have been dealt. Your life is the total combination of choices YOU made. You made the choices, but the consequences were not up to you. So what your baby daddy don’t give you money or spend the time that he should with the child. You can’t make a grown man do anything he doesn’t want to do. So instead of wasting time arguing with him and being upset channel that energy into getting a better job, going back to school, or starting your own business. If your child needs a male figure use your brother, father, uncle, cousin, or a trusted male friend (NOT new boyfriend). No one can make you a BABY MOMMA, you make that choice. I’m by no means letting men off the hook, but as a woman who understands our quandary I have to start with us first.